The ABCs of Speed Dating

I have conquered my fears and returned from yet another excellent adventure. Tonight, it was speed dating at the Mellow Mushroom in Prattville. I talked a friend of mine into this shenanigan with me, which helped me out a lot. Plus, just before I left, another friend stopped by the house and wanted to go along. She is married, but wanted to watch from a distance. I called her my "posse of one!" Her job was to sit at a nearby table and give me the thumbs up or thumbs down on potential dates.

She has the cool car – a brand new Mazda RX7. Because this was a special occasion, she let me drive it into town. She said, "Girl, you can't be going on a speed date in a 10-year-old Honda Accord!" I thought I was the shiznit, baby! We stopped by to pick up Lisa and forged on. When I pulled into the parking spot, I realized that I had not eaten all day. This was not a good plan. Why do I always realize bad decisions far too late to correct them? I debated about whether or not to go get a pack of crackers or something, but I figured these guys needed to know the REAL me.

Lisa and I stood in line to register. As any woman would, I took a quick gaze around the room. Absolutely, nothing interesting. Not even a possibly interesting. I stayed in line determined to see this thing through to the very end. The in-charge lady gave us our instructions and pointed out the bar ahead with appetizers. Man….I wanted to EAT, screw the appetizers. When we walked to the bar, I couldn't figure out how to eat these little finger foods without looking like a head of cattle grazing in the pasture. I made myself walk away, mentally promising to stop at McDonalds on the way home.

I tried to mingle as best I could. There were plenty of men around. One was no more than five feet tall; one had more facial piercing than I could count and another had proudly collected his high school diploma just last week. (Contrary to public opinion, I do prefer men who have entered their second decade of life!)

The event was called to order. I had been assigned to table six. I sat there for the next two hours as these men rotated over to me in six minute intervals. I can not begin to explain all the details of this journey, but I can point out the highlights.

First was Aaron, a state employee who wanted to go to school to be a nurse because – as he put it – he was a giving, caring, kind, considerate, loving, sincere, caring, loving, kind, considerate kind of person. I don't remember much more about him, other than, his palms were sweaty when I shook his hand. YUK!

There was Jay, a former Mormon from Idaho who had disgraced his parents and turned into an Agnostic because he didn't want to wear a shirt and tie, while riding bicycles down the road in the summer for the next two years. Instead, he moved to Alabama as a senior in high school, got his GED, and became a roofer. The economy has gotten bad so he took a part time job at the Mellow Mushroom and hopes to go into management shortly. However, he may need to consider removing some of the piercings in order to be taken seriously.

I remember Ben, a morphine rep from Montgomery. Lisa talked about him on the way home, but while he was at my table, I couldn't figure out whether he was selling the drugs or doing the drugs…know what Im sayin"?

Angus came next. He was born and raised in Eclectic, Alabama. Yes, his name is Angus. Are you picturing this big burly rough neck kind of fella? Stop that picture right now, because it is painfully inaccurate. Ironically enough, with this man's name and birthplace, I had every reason to run far, far way. I like him best and we had the in depth thoughtful conversation of the evening. Angus and Ginger sittin' in a tree…..God bless both our parents. What were they thinking when they named us? Perhaps, mine were thinking of a porn star popular in the 70s, his were thinking of the beef eaters!

Then, it happened. Brian came to my table. I had spoken briefly to Brian before the event began. He had told me that he had two shots prior to coming inside. I figured it was just to calm his nerves. By the time ole Brian got to my table, he was completely hammered. I asked him the same question that I had asked all the others: "Tell me something about yourself"

He gave me a Sarah Palin answer! He totally avoided my question and started talking about something else. He said, "You are hot. How old are you?" When I told him, he replied "Hell, you are really hot." (As if age in addition to attractiveness kicks a woman up on the hot-notch??) I tried to get through the conversation with as much decorum as possible, but he was making it difficult. He was growing louder with each answer. When we discovered that we were both Scorpios with the same birthday, I thought he would fall out of his chair. He didn't believe me and made me pull out my driver's license.

He used the f-word a really lot. I am not a stuffy person. There is a time and a place when I love to hear the f-word. A public restaurant does not qualify. This man successfully verbalized the f word approximately 33 times in a six minute span. That takes talent. Don't' you agree?

Here's what took the cake and caused people around to stop their dates and turn in our direction. Remember, I am simply trying to complete my six minutes and keep this man from embarrassing me or himself any further than absolutely necessary…I asked him one simple question: "What would like to do just for fun?" His answer left me speechless. I couldn't even look him in the eye. I have never had a man get my goat in casual conversation. He said, "Right now, I want to fuck you."

All conversation stopped. You could have heard a f-ing pen drop. (See, just the memory of it has me talking badly) I had several pairs of eyes looking in my direction. OMG. Two minutes…two minutes left…what can I ask than will not evoke a sexually laced answer?

Interestingly enough, I did get the most interesting piece of advice from this drunk. He told to check that I was interested in every single person listed on my date card. If I did this, when the exchange emails came back to me, I would know exactly who was interested in me. I didn't have to respond to the email, I would just get the scoop on how well I scored on the night. Looking back, this should have been a sign that he had done this speed dating thing before!

I did just that. I checked every single man I "dated". It will be interesting to know how many of them were also interested in me. There were lots of interesting conversations, and I am so glad that I got the chance to meet new people – both men and women. I am a woman who will try anything once. Speed dating is one of those rare things in my life that I will NEVER try a second time.